I am here to speak about my beautiful sister, Carolyn. She was brave enough to speak at my Mimi's funeral, and I admire her so much for that. So for her, I will be brave.

Carolyn was more than my sister; she was my very best friend. She was my one and only. I always looked up to her. She was my role model. She always protected me. She would hold me when I was sad or scared. I loved her more than anything in the world.

She was Tommy Pickles and I was Chucky Finster. We went on adventures together. We made mud pies. Our swing set was our castle and we were the princesses. The swimming pool was our ocean. The bath tub was our pirate ship. Unfortunately, when we played pretend, I was the doggie and she was the owner, so she locked me in the dog cage. We traveled the world together in our backyard. Her imagination was endless.

When we were little, my mom always dressed us alike, with matching bows in our hair. We went shopping together. We stole each other's jewelry and clothing. We wrestled and tickled and it didn't matter that she was small and I was big, she let me sit on her and lay on her and pick her up all the time, because she was mine. We rode bikes and made snowmen. We sang together, danced together and played video games - well, she played and I watched, because I could never do it as good as her. She read to me. We told each other secrets, and although I was always a tattle tale, she never blabbed. She will always know my secrets.

We had this thing when we said the Our Father in church where we would interlock pinkies and squeeze them as tight as we could, I don’t know why, but we did. We called each other Wissy. I was her KB. She would do this weird scary bunny face and chase me around the house. And she always went first in haunted houses - well, after Dad anyway.

She helped me shave my legs for the first time, and pierced my cartilage in our bathroom. She picked out our little clearance puppy. And boy did our dogs, Annie and Zoie, love her. She always told me, "Well Katie, maybe they would lay with you like they do with me if you didn't force them to cuddle with you and squeeze them so hard".

She answered my questions when I didn't know what certain swear word was and laugh at me when I asked her if Ace Hardware sold Ace bandages.

She protected me, always. We had an inseparable bond.

She loved so deeply. She loved my parents and my grandpa, her Poppy. They had this thing - "I love you more", they would say. My mom and dad would have done anything for her, and they did. She loved her mommy. She knew she would always be there for her and she was right. I've never known a stronger love than between them. She loved her daddy. She was his right hand gal. Whatever it was - boating, fishing, planting - she'd help him in it all and wasn't ever afraid to get her hands dirty.

Carolyn was a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a God mother, God daughter, niece, great niece, cousin and friend. She was oh so kind, loving, caring, compassionate, courageous, generous, honest and truthful, trustworthy and STRONG.

Carolyn was fearless. Carolyn was unbelievably understanding and non-judgmental. She was a dreamer. She loved adventure.

She was the most self-less person I ever knew. Carolyn was so smart - I mean, it was crazy, she didn't even have to open a book she was a sponge, so unlike me, I had to work so hard to understand something and she just effortlessly picked it up. She was so naturally gifted and bright. She was so funny and silly. She was beautiful. She has a beautiful soul. She was so talented, she was a great baker, cook, artist, singer, dancer, photographer, writer, poet, reader, gardener, and much more.

She was a puzzle connoisseur; she could do a 1,000 piece puzzle as a small kid. She understood the world and people. She made sincere connections with everyone. Her smile could brighten anyone's day and her laugh was contagious. She loved nature and animals. She believed all of God's creatures were important and she NEVER EVER judged. And she would give her last dollar to anyone who asked. She loved kids and they loved her - especially her godson, Charlie. Her communication skills were impeccable. She understood everyone even if they didn't say a single word.

For we will learn from this tragic loss - Because of her we will make a difference.

Mental illness. Addiction. There are so many pieces to her story. Take away the stigma. We need to educate about it. We need to talk about it. We need to help people. Help is available. It is not impossible. Every life is precious. No life is replaceable. I will never get my sister back. I could not physically save her. But I can continue to fight in her honor against these awful diseases. We all can. For Carolyn. And maybe, just maybe, we can save someone else's life.

I know we did all we could. We never gave up on her. We loved her more than life itself. She knew that. And she loved us too she just didn't love herself enough.

Carolyn and I shared some of the same struggles, and we both supported the organization To Write Love On Her Arms. It is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and help for people suffering with addiction, depression, self-injury, and suicide. I would write Carolyn letters and text her excerpts from their mission. I am going to share a few of them now.

 

Remembering the vision:

 

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

 

People need other people.

 

The vision is that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

 

The vision is hope and hope is real. You are not alone and this is not the end of your story.

 

This is not the end of Carolyn's story.

 

I will fight for the rest of my life to honor my sister.

Her legacy will live forever. Because of her we will make a difference. We should be like her. I will strive every day of my life to be as wonderful as her.

Do not remember her in suffering. Remember the good times with Carolyn. Remember her sweet eyes and gorgeous smile. Remember when she made you laugh. Remember how safe you felt with her and the comfort of her warm embrace. From her suffering we will grow and differences will be made.

 

Ya know, I wrote a song for her before she went to rehab. It's called God, Save My Sister. And a few dad ago, I vowed to never sing that song again. I was angry at God, because he didn't save her. But I realize now, he did.

The lyrics say…"She'll be okay, well see the day, when I look up and say...God please keep her safe tonight, thanks for bringing her home alright..."

She has been saved with our Lord. She is at peace and made her journey safely home.

I kept asking for a sign, I prayed to her asking to validate that she was with me. So Tuesday is rained. It was pouring down and we had jokes about the rain and about this stupid pig thing where we’d scream, “AH THE PIGS” when it rained – I don’t know, we were weird. But we also used to love dancing in the rain. So I just stood out there looking up asking for a sign. I asked her to send me a rainbow. Later that night, I went to the store with my dad, even though I really didn't want to go anywhere. But then I looked up in the sky, and there was a rainbow. A pink sky and a rainbow. Not only that, we got out of the car, and I looked up and saw the clouds form the shape of an angel, and it looked just like my Carolyn. It was my Carolyn. She is our angel and is watching over us all. I know my big sister is protecting me.

I want to leave you with something I found on Carolyn’s Pinterest. It is a poem…

 

Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

 

 

Be kind - you can never love too much.

 

Rest peacefully my angel.